I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
