my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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