I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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