Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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