If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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