I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
