I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
