he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
