What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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