non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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