dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
