Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
