If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
