I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
