well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
