youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
