cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Randomize
