Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
