I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize
