i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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