hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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