It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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