I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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