worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sober January is a disaster.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
