I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
where am i from again
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
