just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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