Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
