how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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