I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
