I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
