i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
