Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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