Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My bed smells like the plague
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
