Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
As shirtless as possible
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
