he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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