So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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