Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
