i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
