After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
