i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
