ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
