people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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