I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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