Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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