Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
