that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
