I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
