Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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