My underwear smells like fireworks.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
