i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
