this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
