Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
