I want to walk on stilts...naked
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
