I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
