Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Barsexuality is the new black.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
