A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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