I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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