i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
