Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.