Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.